Muse.

My favorite songs are about women. And the best ones are about wild, tragic, unbelievably sexy (and undeniably crazy) women. These songs make me want to writhe on a car hood like Tawny Kitaen, drive a convertible recklessly whilst throwing back a bottle of Jack Daniels, inexplicably skip town on a "road to nowhere", and kill or maim a trucker in a barroom brawl.
Okay, maybe not that last one.
But it does make me feel justified in my impetuous decisions, unreliability, drinking habits, and passion for life. I may come to your house stoned, face painted with mascara stains and hobbling on one broken high heel at 3am. And yes, I may decide to cook a pizza and nearly burn down your residence in the process. And ok, I may puke into your laundry hamper after finishing half a bottle of Maker's Mark. But my hair and breasts are large, my legs are long, I can quote both Neruda and Vince Vaughn's monologue from Wedding Crashers. I'll make you dirty martinis wearing nothing but your white button up work shirt. Sure, maybe I'll call you the wrong name in bed or "forget" to tell you I'm moving to South America, but that's the trade off.
I mean, would you rather date the wild girl with the zest for life or the quiet chick next door who plays by the rules? I contemplated this after an ex-boyfriend began dating the most boring woman on the face of the planet (Thank you myspace, I mean, really, who defines themselves entirely by saying "Gemini vegetarian who loves kids and animals!" Barf).
That being said, I realized these women have no songstress heroes of themselves. You'll be hard pressed to find rock ballads, or even sad bastard lamentations on women who live quiet, good, healthy lives. So, in an effort to balance the playing field I will fill the void and give you a love song for the "everywomen".


Baby, you come home from your long day as a legal secretary,
and I love the way you unlace your reeboks, peeling off the white tube socks you wear over your support control panty hose.
My heart just races while you unbutton your Dress Barn suit in royal navy blue
Button by button, revealing a brassiere so large and gray...so functional and supportive.
Just like our love, baby girl.
You move like a drugged aardvark, baby, you know that drives me crazy! as you feed your cats and seperate your lights and darks for the wash.
Oooh, girl, and when we make love, missionary style, under the covers with the lights off,
I get to smell the sweet odor of your Pert Plus shampoo, and I know that our love is forever.
Darlin' I know I can't keep you forever, and when you leave me I will get a tear in my eye everytime I see a woman in a holiday cardigan, at the wafting smell of chamomile tea.
A woman like you is not meant to keep forever,
but for now, I will hold you tight and close
(until you tell me to stop due to your "personal space issues")
And girl, I'm gonna love you the best I can